Dear Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

Well Since I am a standup comic and love to make people laugh I think we started a trend with our letters section in the Troy Williamson thread.
We could start a humorous NFL thread so ask me anything in letter format titleing it dear modern Day NFL. I will try to answer your post as quick and as funny as I can.

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Why can't a guy have fun anymore?
Signed,
Adam "Pacman" Jones, Chris Henry, Michael Vick, Ricky Williams, the Rest of the Cincinnatti Begnals, and half the Jacksonville Jaguars.

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Why can't a guy have fun anymore?
Signed,
Adam "Pacman" Jones, Chris Henry, Michael Vick, Ricky Williams, the Rest of the Cincinnatti Begnals, and half the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Dear Bad News Bears of the NFL,
Maybe you have never realized but the NFL in our eyes, stands for No Fun League. Best wishes to all of you in your legal endeavours, may they take less time then your inevitable suspensions will.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Why can't a guy have fun anymore?
Signed,
Adam "Pacman" Jones, Chris Henry, Michael Vick, Ricky Williams, the Rest of the Cincinnatti Begnals, and half the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Dear Michael Vick,
You make $8.45 BILLION a year....why the ***** do you have pitbulls fighting in your house? *****in *****!!! You are hereby suspended through the 2016 season.
Your biggest fan,
Arthur Blank

Hello NFL,
My name is Leon Hall, I was just drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals. I just have one question...why did I have this house arrest device put on my leg as soon as I became a Bengal?



Dear Leon Hall,
That is just a precautionary measure to ensure you do not turn to the "Dark Side" like other promising rookies Odell Thurman and Chris Henry. It can be set for 10 pounds of resistance to help with your conditioning and training.
Best Wishes,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S. We are gonna need you to sign and return that restraining order that states you will not come within 100 yards of Chris Henry.

[HuttoKarl]

Dear Modern Day NFL:

Can you legally change Chris Henry's name for me? I'd like him to be known as "Chris Henry the felon WR from the Bengals".

Sincerely,
Chris Henry the Rookie RB for the Tennessee Titans (not a felon)

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL:

Can you legally change Chris Henry's name for me? I'd like him to be known as "Chris Henry the felon WR from the Bengals".

Sincerely,
Chris Henry the Rookie RB for the Tennessee Titans (not a felon)

Dear Chris Henry Pt.2
We cannot change his name however we can refer to him as "Your evil twin"
Hope this clears things up.
D.A.R.E To keep teammates off drugs!
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[El Tejano]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
If they all of a sudden make total yards a big deal because Reggie Bush only got 5 yrds rushing, how come they cant combine my total tackles for loss?

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL:
Why couldn't you fix it so that the Panthers took Steve Smith from USC? Having two WRs named Steve Smith on the same team would be incredibly confusing and funny. The Browns already demostrated this to some extent when they had LB Andra Davis and WR Andre' Davis on their team a few years ago (both pronounced the same way).
You guys need to bring a little more humor into the NFL, it's getting kind of dull around here.
Sincerely,
Zagen30 (I'll sign this one myself because this would be a funny situation)

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
If they all of a sudden make total yards a big deal because Reggie Bush only got 5 yrds rushing, how come they cant combine my total tackles for loss?

Dear Mario Williams,
We will keep your identity anonymous going forward and refer to use as Player X.
That being said, We did this because Reggie is on all of those Subway and Diet pepsi commercials. In order to grandstand and make him worth the revenue we have to glam his accomplishments. We don't expect a hardnosed quialty player such as yourself to understand the method to our madness but know Player X, we are behind you as well and will approach you with lucrative advertising offers on NFL network once you have your breakout year.
Drive Safe in your Lambo!
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
If they all of a sudden make total yards a big deal because Reggie Bush only got 5 yrds rushing, how come they cant combine my total tackles for loss?

Dear Mario Williams,
We will keep your identity anonymous going forward and refer to use as Player X.
That being said, We did this because Reggie is on all of those Subway and Diet pepsi commercials. In order to grandstand and make him worth the revenue we have to glam his accomplishments. We don't expect a hardnosed quialty player such as yourself to understand the method to our madness but know Player X, we are behind you as well and will approach you with lucrative advertising offers on NFL network once you have your breakout year.
Drive Safe in your Lambo!
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Y'all are cowards, if y'all were real men you'd be hyping me too, not just glamor position boys like Vince and Reggie. Y'all got all the talking heads to still provide excuses for Carr by the bunch, and yet y'all can't let everyone know that I had plantar fasciitis? I'd say that's a much bigger cause for poor play than a mediocre, but not terrible, offensive line.
Out to show you all what I can do,
Super Mario

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL:
Why couldn't you fix it so that the Panthers took Steve Smith from USC? Having two WRs named Steve Smith on the same team would be incredibly confusing and funny. The Browns already demostrated this to some extent when they had LB Andra Davis and WR Andre' Davis on their team a few years ago (both pronounced the same way).
You guys need to bring a little more humor into the NFL, it's getting kind of dull around here.
Sincerely,
Zagen30 (I'll sign this one myself because this would be a funny situation)

Dear Zagen30,
We tried but Carolina was more in love with Keyshawn Johnson Jr. Otherwise known as Dwayne Jarrett. They could have used the Matrix as advertising and everything. Alas the Panthers decided to break our hearts.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
If they all of a sudden make total yards a big deal because Reggie Bush only got 5 yrds rushing, how come they cant combine my total tackles for loss?

Dear Mario Williams,
We will keep your identity anonymous going forward and refer to use as Player X.
That being said, We did this because Reggie is on all of those Subway and Diet pepsi commercials. In order to grandstand and make him worth the revenue we have to glam his accomplishments. We don't expect a hardnosed quialty player such as yourself to understand the method to our madness but know Player X, we are behind you as well and will approach you with lucrative advertising offers on NFL network once you have your breakout year.
Drive Safe in your Lambo!
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Y'all are cowards, if y'all were real men you'd be hyping me too, not just glamor position boys like Vince and Reggie. Y'all got all the talking heads to still provide excuses for Carr by the bunch, and yet y'all can't let everyone know that I had plantar fasciitis? I'd say that's a much bigger cause for poor play than a mediocre, but not terrible, offensive line.
Out to show you all what I can do,
Super Mario

Dear Mario,
Yes we should publicize you and we are sure in short due time you will be one of our spokesmen. However right now until you breakout we have to dog you and play the bad guy. Standard Poilitics, in 10 years it will come full circle when you are still making plays in the league and Bush is retired. Just be patient your time will come.
Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S does it feel weird wearing socks with no big toenails?

[El Tejano]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Lamont hates me and that is bad manners. Some say that his bad manners has contributed to the downward spiral of this message board. Is there anything you can do to help him understand that plantar fascitis really sucks?
PS The socks are comfortable and having no toe nails will make it easier to get my foot out of Lamonts rear end when I see him again.

[ThaShark316]

Dear Ramonce Taylor,

Do the shoulder lean.

Signed,

Vince Young.

[outofhnd]

Dear Roger Goodell,
I really like the new changes you're making around the league. Keep up the good work. Oh, by the way, can you ask Ricky Williams if he'll drop off some weed at my crib? Thanks a bunch.
Your pal,
Ramonce Taylor

Dear Ramonce,
I got a note from Ricky, He said you can pick up your bag of weed from the usual place. Coach Mack Brown's office.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S I hear they are hiring at McDonalds for part time work. Have you had your break today?

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Lamont hates me and that is bad manners. Some say that his bad manners has contributed to the downward spiral of this message board. Is there anything you can do to help him understand that plantar fascitis really sucks?
PS The socks are comfortable and having no toe nails will make it easier to get my foot out of Lamonts rear end when I see him again.

Dear Mario,
Sorry if Lamont can't spell Plantar Fasciatis, How do you expect him to understand it? Besides its easy for him to make moves up in his ivory tower.
Your Pal,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Lamont hates me and that is bad manners. Some say that his bad manners has contributed to the downward spiral of this message board. Is there anything you can do to help him understand that plantar fascitis really sucks?
PS The socks are comfortable and having no toe nails will make it easier to get my foot out of Lamonts rear end when I see him again.

Dear Mario,
Sorry if Lamont can't spell Plantar Fasciatis, How do you expect him to understand it? Besides its easy for him to make moves up in his ivory tower.
Your Pal,
The Modern Day NFL

Hehe, it's actually spelled Plantar Fasciitis. Kinda strange spelling.

[outofhnd]

Ok if I can't spell it then how is Lamont supposed to understand it?

[Zagen30]

Ok if I can't spell it then how is Lamont supposed to understand it?


Spell it out phonetically?

[Zagen30]

Dear very concerned fan:
No, we can't make marijuana OK. Remember, we're the No Fun League. If we thought that the players enjoyed eating, we'd ban that as well.
No Soup For You,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear very concerned fan:
No, we can't make marijuana OK. Remember, we're the No Fun League. If we thought that the players enjoyed eating, we'd ban that as well.
No Soup For You,
The Modern Day NFL


What about a soup commercial for me and my mom? hehe

NO SOUP FOR YOU! OR YOUR MOTHER!

[outofhnd]

So have we beaten this joke to death?

[BIG ERN]

Dear Modern Day NFL,

Why am I visting the Texans?Who can I replace on the Texans D line?I am very hungry.

Te Quiero Mucho,
Sam Adams

P.S. Where da grub at??

[Zagen30]

Dear Sam Adams:
If you can come in and eat Travis Johnson, you've got yourself a roster spot.
El coacha del grande,
Coach Kubiak

[BIG ERN]

Dear Coach Kubiak,

I made David Carr a star!!I am way cooler than Kevin Walter! Pooh on you!


Livin' La Vida Broka ,

Corey Bradford

[Zagen30]

Dear Corey Bradford:
Come on, you got beaten out in Detroit by Mike Furrey, a six-foot white guy. I think that says enough about your "talent."
Peace be unto you, my child,
Virgil Campbell, Strength and Conditioning Assistant (hey, all the coaches are busy training real players, so they left me to answer your email)

[BIG ERN]

Virgil Campbell,

Bring me a 16 gallons of RED Kool AID and a steak sam-ich!I will make your life a living hell!I hope it tastes so good it will make me want to smack your mama!

Show Some Respect Boy Wonder,

Jason Babin

[outofhnd]

Virgil Campbell,

Bring me a 16 gallons of RED Kool AID and a steak sam-ich!I will make your life a living hell!I hope it tastes so good it will make me want to smack your mama!

Show Some Respect Boy Wonder,

Jason Babin


Dear Jason Babin,
Please STOP while you are ahead. You havent had enough on the field production to start quoting statements from the "Friday" movie series. Maybe instead of adding more tattoos to your "Guns" you should aim those "guns" at a QB. Pick up some sacks then start popping off movie quotes.
Your Friend,
The Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Dear Modern Day NFL,

Check Yo Players Dawg! Keep them drugs out of their mouth and keep them off the streets!

I'm not a player I just crush alot,
MLB,NBA and NHL

[Zagen30]

Dear MLB, NBA, and NHL:
You guys have mutli-billion-dollar TV deals? When you do, then you can start offering us advice. Until then, keep trying to field a product that's even a quarter as popular as ours.
Kisses,
Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Modern Day NFL,
I prefer the company of men ! Do something about it!


Muah,
Marc Bulger

P.S. Trent Green dresses like a poop.

[BIG ERN]

Marc Bulger,
I like your style! Maybe one day I can be your center....
Call me,
Reggie "Barbara" Bush

[bsofa04]

Donovan McNabb,
Please don't be upset at the Eagles. The only reason I was selected so high is because John McClain worshiped my every step. John is an expert in talent evaluation. Let's be civil about this.
Signed,
Kevin Kolb

[Zagen30]

Dear Reggie "Barbara" Bush:
Listen. Do you hear that? Those sounds of footsteps in the distance? Those are the sounds of our footsteps charging towards you, ready to meet you on November 18 at Reliant. Be afraid, little Bush, be very afraid.
Watch your back,
Mario, Aombi, Demeco, Dunta, and the rest of the gang.

[WriterGene]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
I've been such a huge success in the States, I've decided to take my expertise to NFL Europe. I will be the General Manager of the newest NFL Europa team, the Stratford-Upon-Avon Cucumber Sandwiches. I've decided to take Dom Capers from the Dolphins to be Head Coach.
Sincerely,
Charley Casserley

[Zagen30]

Hey, you're supposed to answer the last message, not one a few posts up, and definitely not one that hasn't written in a while.

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
I've been such a huge success in the States, I've decided to take my expertise to NFL Europe. I will be the General Manager of the newest NFL Europa team, the Stratford-Upon-Avon Cucumber Sandwiches. I've decided to take Dom Capers from the Dolphins to be Head Coach.
Sincerely,
Charley Casserley

Dear Charley
I will have to say Dom capers is probably not the guy you want to hire as your Head coach in NFL Europa. I dont think he is european enough. Maybe you should Consider Vic Fangio, He sounds very Euro plus he ran an NFL Europa type defense when he was the defensive coordinator with the Texans.
Best Wishes!
The Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Dear Modern Day NFL,


CC for president!


Love,
Dave Ragone

[Zagen30]

Dear Dave Ragone,
Was that you stocking shelves in that Montana Stop & Shop?
Sorry it didn't work out,
Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,


CC for president!


Love,
Dave Ragone

Dear Dave Ragone,
Hows that NFL Europe MVP Trophy look on your mantle?
Remember You don't have to polish gold painted plastic..
Remember us always,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S. That Zagen30 guy is an imposter.

[Zagen30]

Dear "Modern Day NFL" (outofhnd):
Stop it. You are the impostor here. I speak for the real Modern Day NFL. The "The" at the beginning of your signature gives away the fact that you are not actually the Modern Day NFL; we here at the NFL don't put a "The" at the beginning of our signature.
Stop pretending,
Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Dear All The Modern Day NFL,

YOU SUCK!I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!GO TO HELL!


Bo Jackson

[outofhnd]

Dear "Modern Day NFL" (outofhnd):
Stop it. You are the impostor here. I speak for the real Modern Day NFL. The "The" at the beginning of your signature gives away the fact that you are not actually the Modern Day NFL; we here at the NFL don't put a "The" at the beginning of our signature.
Stop pretending,
Modern Day NFL

Like a spider you spin your web of deceipt! Only an impostor would create such an illusion...

[outofhnd]

Dear All The Modern Day NFL,

YOU SUCK!I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!GO TO HELL!


Bo Jackson

Dear Bo Jackson
Considering all those "Bo Knows" commercials we thought you knew. Now Bo Knows unemployment. Be sure to tell your roommate MC Hammer that he is still "Too Legit To Quit"...
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S. My posts are funnier than Zagen30's =D

[Zagen30]

Dear All The Modern Day NFL,

YOU SUCK!I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!GO TO HELL!


Bo Jackson

Dear Bo Jackson
Considering all those "Bo Knows" commercials we thought you knew. Now Bo Knows unemployment. Be sure to tell your roommate MC Hammer that he is still "Too Legit To Quit"...
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S. My posts are funnier than Zagen30's =D

What, the one about Sam Adams getting a roster spot if he could eat TJ wasn't funny?

[BIG ERN]

Coach K,

Can I put mustard on him?


Sam Adams

[outofhnd]

Coach K,

Can I put mustard on him?


Sam Adams

Dear Sam Adams,
Sure! Just don't hold the pickles...
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
You wouldn't possibly think of suspending me, would you? What's a couple of dead dogs next to all the money that goes your way because of my jersey sales?
Off to the dog ri..., er, racetrack,
Mike "Ron Mexico" Vick

[ObsiWan]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
My agent and I worked very hard to line up several pro-bono promo spots with a non-profit organization. Now I hear that you guys stepped in and cancelled them.
What am I supposed to tell those people at Planned Parenthood?!?
- Tom Brady

[BIG ERN]

Dear Tom "The Forehead" Brady ,
I hope that you are happy now! You ruined my life and I hate you! One day I will dance on your grave with my high WONDERLIC score!I will be the MVP of the canadian leauge one day!
Drew "Flounder" Bledsoe

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
You wouldn't possibly think of suspending me, would you? What's a couple of dead dogs next to all the money that goes your way because of my jersey sales?
Off to the dog ri..., er, racetrack,
Mike "Ron Mexico" Vick

Dear Micheal Mexico,
Enclosed is your inevitable suspension along with the hit single "who let the Dogs out?" by the Baha men.
Enjoy the "Michael Vick Experience"
The Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
My agent and I worked very hard to line up several pro-bono promo spots with a non-profit organization. Now I hear that you guys stepped in and cancelled them.
What am I supposed to tell those people at Planned Parenthood?!?
- Tom Brady

Dear Tom,
Tell them that you were adopted.
Love,
The Modern Day NFL

[ObsiWan]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
We just heard that you're barring alcoholic beverages at all NFL functions.
Whatareyou, NUTS!? First NASCAR, now this.
Have you talked this over with the owners? Do you know how much money they make from those $7 beers each Sunday? Don't you know we sponsor many of those fancy, electronic scoreboards and displays seen in all the fabulous new stadiums? Are we supposed to our names off of them just so you can appear to be straightening up "image"?
We guess this means you won't be running our commercials during the Superbowl any more. ...or taking our fat checks for TV time during the season. No more BudBowl. Or BudGirls calendars! Think about THAT!
Whatever. We don't need you as much as you need us.
You'll see.
- Anheiser Busch and Associates

[Zagen30]

Um, ObsiWan, I'm almost positive that the NFL only banned alcohol served by the teams to their players (and their guests and other team personnel) at all team functions. I don't think that they're stopping the sale of alcohol to fans at NFL games, that would decrease attendance by like 25%.

[ObsiWan]

Um, ObsiWan, I'm almost positive that the NFL only banned alcohol served by the teams to their players (and their guests and other team personnel) at all team functions. I don't think that they're stopping the sale of alcohol to fans at NFL games, that would decrease attendance by like 25%.I know that. And even the so-called edict has loopholes. There was alcohol flowing at a Dolphin-sponsored charity event recently ( http://www.palmbeachpost.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/palmbeach/miamidolphins/entries/2007/06/01/fish_bits.html )
In fact, I thought that was what you'd base your reply on; something like....
"Dear A-B & Assoc.,
Relax. its strictly PR. Get with the Dolphins and they'll show you how creative you can be. The ban makes us look good. You still sell beer. Everybody wins."
But you've messed it up now
[:D]

[BIG ERN]

Daer Ahman Gren , Ron Dayne, and all the running backs for the Houston Texans,

You guys need to work on a sideline dance or something!Bring back the Icky Shuffle!

Boomer Esiason

[outofhnd]

Daer Ahman Gren , Ron Dayne, and all the running backs for the Houston Texans,

You guys need to work on a sideline dance or something!Bring back the Icky Shuffle!

Boomer Esiason

Dear Boomer,
The texans do not need to have a choreographed display as part of the running game. Please go back to what you do best, pointing out the obvious and taking potshots at Hall of Fame QB Dan Marino on the air.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

DEAR MODERN DAY NFL,
WHY DON'T YOU GET RID OF THE TEXANS? WE ALL KNOW THAT THEY ARE THE STOOPIDS AND WILL NEVAR BE GOOD FOR 30 YEARS AT LEAST. SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO ACTUALLY PLAY THEM BECAUSE THEY WILL LOSE EVERY GAME BECAUSE THEY DON'T DRAFT AN O-LINEMAN. I MEAN THEY DIDN'T DRAFT REGGIE BUSH LOOK HOW STOOPID THEY ARE HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THEY'RE JUST DELUDING THEMSELVES INTO THINKING THEY'LL EVER BE COMPETETIVE.
SINCERELY,
THETRUTH80

[outofhnd]

DEAR MODERN DAY NFL,
WHY DON'T YOU GET RID OF THE TEXANS? WE ALL KNOW THAT THEY ARE THE STOOPIDS AND WILL NEVAR BE GOOD FOR 30 YEARS AT LEAST. SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO ACTUALLY PLAY THEM BECAUSE THEY WILL LOSE EVERY GAME BECAUSE THEY DON'T DRAFT AN O-LINEMAN. I MEAN THEY DIDN'T DRAFT REGGIE BUSH LOOK HOW STOOPID THEY ARE HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THEY'RE JUST DELUDING THEMSELVES INTO THINKING THEY'LL EVER BE COMPETETIVE.
SINCERELY,
THETRUTH80

Dear Mel Kiper
Please don't be a hater it makes you look bad. Not that the toupee you wear makes you look better. Good luck this NFL season finding a girl that even with the money you make wants to sleep with you. Keep up the serious newscaster attitude as well. Nothing says draft expert like repressed tension and anger.

Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
I saw your game film, you don't impress me that much. You look weak in coverage, you don't have much explosiveness off the snap, and you're a half-inch too short for your position, so I know that you'll be a failure.
Good luck at the Stop & Shop,
Mel Kiper Jr.

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
I saw your game film, you don't impress me that much. You look weak in coverage, you don't have much explosiveness off the snap, and you're a half-inch too short for your position, so I know that you'll be a failure.
Good luck at the Stop & Shop,
Mel Kiper Jr.

Dear Mel Kiper Jr.,
Your analysis as always is off. Please go take your analysis to a peewee football league, maybe someone there will be impressed, and for once you may have an accurate prediction.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL
P.S Man I am sleepy today

[J-Storm]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Why can't some Texans fans get over the crash & towing in this city of Houston that was David Carr? Are we just trying to be mediocre on purpose, or are we just born to love 'the damaged' when it comes to Houston sports? Can't we forgive & forget so we can just all move/get along...???

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Why can't some Texans fans get over the crash & towing in this city of Houston that was David Carr? Are we just trying to be mediocre on purpose, or are we just born to love 'the damaged' when it comes to Houston sports? Can't we forgive & forget so we can just all move/get along...???

Wow, Good Question
I think David Carr was like a child to houston the child that was just a lil bit special. Other people noticed it and told us about it. However he was still our kid. Eventually we could see no amount of love and support could make it better, so we sent him to a rehab facility in Charlotte.
Hope this helps,
The Modern Day NFL

[koshea]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Will you please hold a how-to convention for Tony Romo on how to hold a snap?

Sincerley,
Modern Day NFL

[HydrOshocK]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Please tell Jerry Jones it was not Tony's fault. Because I'm so drop dead gorgeous, the Seahawks paid me to "distract" him before the game.
Sincerely,
Carrie Underwood
p.s. did I mention that I'm drop dead gorgeous??

[Zagen30]

Dear Jerry Jones:
Is it just coincidence that your new stadium is going to be bigger than your arch-rival Dan Snyder's (and the biggest in the NFL)?
Not that we mind at all. More Super Bowl tickets = more monay!!!!
Sincerely,
Modern Day NFL

[ObsiWan]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
Please tell Jerry Jones it was not Tony's fault. Because I'm so drop dead gorgeous, the Seahawks paid me to "distract" him before the game.
Sincerely,
Carrie Underwood
p.s. did I mention that I'm drop dead gorgeous??

Dear Ms. Underwood,
I don't have a problem with you being drop-dead gorgeous, because I've checked you out myself. However, you being drop-dead gorgeous caused my Q.B. to "drop" the ball and that I do have a problem with. So please try not to distract us- er him during the season.
Jerry Jones.

Dear Ms. Underwood,
Screw Jerry Jones. We gave him permission to host the dang SuperBowl. We ignored his plastic surgery. He can't have his way all the time.
So distract away. Just make sure the next team pays you in cash. We had a helluva time burying the evidence with the Seahawks logo all over that check. We had to tell people you were being paid to be a backup National Anthem singer.
OBTW, if you have any "wardrobe malfunctions" ... well, so much the better (oh did I say that out loud?)... err, we mean, accidents happen. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
- Modern Day NFL

[ObsiWan]

DearModern Day NFL,
Since you covered up the evidence for Ms. Underwood and the Seahawks I was wondering if you could come by my house and pick up the evidence from S.B. XL for me. I figure if this would have been taken care of back then I might still be coaching.

thanks a bunch,
Bill Cowher

Mr. Cower,
Bill, Bill, Bill....
Now don't be going back on our little deal. We said if we had the refs look the other way on some calls and you won, you'd hang 'em up. Don't be going back on your word and try to wiggle out of our "arrangement".
We still have that film of you kissing Joey Porter you know. So just stay retired like a good little boy. We'll let you know when you can come back.
- MDNFL

[ObsiWan]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
You know I'm the LAST person to cause any drama but I have a question.
I know stickum was outlawed back in the days of Lester Hayes. But I was wondering, if I used some of that stuff Mel Kiper, Jr and Jimmy Johnson use to keep their do's so tight on the 'Fro I'm thinking about growing, I wouldn't be outside the rules if some of that sticky stuff just happened to stay on my hands... or gloves.... would I? I mean, that wouldn't be illegal would it?
Always the model citizen,
Terrell Owens

[ObsiWan]

MDNFL,
Keep my name outcha mouf!
Signed,
Joey Porter.


Dear Joey,
Chill. Or the next time you go to Vegas we'll have some boys much worse than Levi Brown waiting for you.
Capesh?
- Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

MDNFL,
Keep my name outcha mouf!
Signed,
Joey Porter.


Dear Joey,
Chill. Or the next time you go to Vegas we'll have some boys much worse than Levi Brown waiting for you.
Capesh?
- Modern Day NFL

P.S. Don't try to punch those boys. They make a football player look like a utility infielder. And then Mr. Goodell will suspend you for half the season for violation of the NFL's personal conduct policy.

[ObsiWan]

MDNFL,
Vick gave me an idea. What if we started our own fight club to take out our frustrations? It would be us not dogs, but he could bet if he wanted to. Just tell him his little brother can't kick the guy that is down. Holla back we'll slide you some of the winnings under the table(big-slap on the back)
Joey Porter

Joey,
Three things.
One, save your agression/frustrations for Sundays. That's why we pay you.
Two, Don't think. The fact that you voluntarily kissed Bill Cower says your decision making is suspect.
Three, we are slowly separating ourselves from Michael Vick and his relatives. Marcus is out on the street. And cousin Aaron Brooks is too. As soon as the Feds pin this dog thing on Michael he'll be history too (who do you think called them in?). So if you don't want to join them, be quiet.
And don't try to act like you're bad, we have "people" in Miami too. They can arrange for you to sleep with the fishes. So hush up, play, and try not to get in Jason Taylor's way.
- Modern Day NFL

[Zagen30]

Dear Joey Porter,
Under no cirsumstances will we allow ourselves to COUNT as our players people who fight each other illegally. It saddens US to think that you all can't take out your frustrations on the gridiron considering that football is one of the most violent sports IN the world. BUT if you are so determined to set this up, know that WE will make sure that we will track this down and will GET you caught in the act. And ponder this: of all the ex-football players, only 50 PERCENT live past 60, and that's without the added danger and damage OF fighting. THE real sad part is that you wouldn't live long enough to truly enjoy all of your football WINNINGS.
Casting the Evil Eye on you,
Modern Day NFL

[outofhnd]

MDNFL,
Vick gave me an idea. What if we started our own fight club to take out our frustrations? It would be us not dogs, but he could bet if he wanted to. Just tell him his little brother can't kick the guy that is down. Holla back we'll slide you some of the winnings under the table(big-slap on the back)
Joey Porter


Dear Joey Porter,
You just broke the first rule of fight club by telling people about fight club. Glad to hear you are the emotional leader and not the intellectual leader of the dolphins.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Dear Joey,


Git rid of dem pit bulls meng!I know a couple of your pits got out and attacked someone. This Modern Day NFL Fools wont leave me be. Don't Give them a reason to take your puppies away.......Sniff.

Running for my life,
Mikey "Pooh Bear" Vick

[texansfanatic73]

dear titans organazation:how many times will vince get sacked are you trying to break the record for most sacks in a season you ditched your starting running back best WR and have done nothing to help young out (VY sacked 118 times in 2007 season)

[Zagen30]

Dear texansfanatic73 (you didn't sign your letter as anything else, so I assume it's from you directly):
Vince will get sacked exactly 5 times this season because we all know that he'll go down for the rest of the year at some point due to the Madden Curse. We figured "Why spend a lot of money on good players and draft picks, or even bother to bring back our productive guys who are FAs, if they won't have a decent QB to get them the ball anyway and will be doomed to a 3-13 type season?" We've written off this year as a lost cause, but expect us to be very aggressive next offseason and a contender for the playoffs in 2008.
Sincerely,
The Tennessee Titans organization

[Zagen30]

Dear Reggie "Jesus in Cleats" Bush:
If you're really quaking in your booties that much, just persuade coach Payton to make like Belichick and list you as "Questionable" for the whole season, and then when the Texans game rolls around say that you tweaked a hammy or something and won't be playing.
Hope you can live with yourself,
Modern Day NFL

[ObsiWan]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
We have noticed a huge drop-off in our fan base. We do understand that over the last several yrs. our fans have been upset due to our mediocrity, but why the Texans? We got word alot of our fans were moving over to the Texans message boards and was wondering if you could step in and tell them that we are their team.
Worried Because our fans are dropping like flies,
The Buffalo Bills


Dear Buffalo Bills,
You guys haven't had a "fan base" since Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, and the rest of that 90s bunch retired.
...a "fan base" http://boards.buffalobills.com/emoticons/rotflmao.gif puh-LEEEASE...
If it wasn't for Chris Berman's "no one circles the wagons blah, blah, blah..." no one would know you guys were still in the league.
And can you blame them from moving to Texas? Their team is young and on the rise and the Bills... well, I won't go there. Besides, its much nicer in Houston during football season's cold months. Maybe if you guys enclosed that 1973 model stadium... hint, hint...
- Modern Day NFL
p.s. In light of your declining fan base, we're considering moving your franchise to L.A.

[HydrOshocK]

Dear Modern Day NFL,
We have noticed a huge drop-off in our fan base. We do understand that over the last several yrs. our fans have been upset due to our mediocrity, but why the Texans? We got word alot of our fans were moving over to the Texans message boards and was wondering if you could step in and tell them that we are their team.
Worried Because our fans are dropping like flies,
The Buffalo Bills


Dear Buffalo Bills,
You guys haven't had a "fan base" since Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, Andre Reed, and the rest of that 90s bunch retired.
...a "fan base" http://boards.buffalobills.com/emoticons/rotflmao.gif puh-LEEEASE...
If it wasn't for Chris Berman's "no one circles the wagons blah, blah, blah..." no one would know you guys were still in the league.
And can you blame them from moving to Texas? Their team is young and on the rise and the Bills... well, I won't go there. Besides, its much nicer in Houston during football season's cold months. Maybe if you guys enclosed that 1973 model stadium... hint, hint...
- Modern Day NFL
p.s. In light of your declining fan base, we're considering moving your franchise to L.A.


Dear MDNFL
You're right. We need to get rid of the stadium but we can't because the fans are stuck in that comeback playoff win against the Oilers in nineteen ninety whatever fog of theirs.
Hey maybe that's it. Maybe they think the Texans play in the Dome and wear those pretty blue unis and play on turf. We have to do something quick.
Please don't move our franchise to L.A., our city will shrivel up and die.
Please help us,
The Buffalo Bills

[BIG ERN]

Dear Tah-tanka Bills,


It gets cold in there and I can't see so good. I can't see so good from the empire state building .My shoes fell off.By the way, Losman is a joke and Mike Williams was a great waste of a pick!

Love ya Blue,

Waren "Blue " Moon

[HydrOshocK]

Dear Warren Moon,
Your were one of the greatest NFL QBs to ever played the game. Your deep ball was a beautiful sight. Thank you for the wonderful memories and we're sorry we couldn't get you a Super Bowl ring. Congratulations on the Hall of Fame, you certainly deserve it.
Sincerely,
Houston Oilers Secondary

[BIG ERN]

Dear Oiler and Texans Secondary,

We could pick you apart like no other. You guys are pathetic and you do not even deserve to be in MY leauge.Get ready for a long life of saying "Thank You Come Again!" . Oh and Texans Secondary, you have better step up this year with that monster D Line ( The Little Angels).Try and Make a couple of picks this year and D Rob don't throw Matt Schuab under the bus because he will rape you.Show some respect for yo QB !

Dissing you till the end,
Vince Young , Steve Mcnair, John Elway , Jim Kelly and Brett Fav-re

[Zagen30]

Dear Oiler and Texans Secondary,

We could pick you apart like no other. You guys are pathetic and you do not even deserve to be in MY leauge.Get ready for a long life of saying "Thank You Come Again!" . Oh and Texans Secondary, you have better step up this year with that monster D Line ( The Little Angels).Try and Make a couple of picks this year and D Rob don't throw Matt Schuab under the bus because he will rape you.Show some respect for yo QB !

Dissing you till the end,
Vince Young , Steve Mcnair, John Elway , Jim Kelly and Brett Fav-re

Dear Steve McNair, John Elway, Jim Kelly, Brett Favre,
In your primes you guys could pick apart anyone's secondary. We know that our safeties leave something to be desired, and we're not all that embarrassed about it; we just couldn't upgrade everything in one year.
Vince, we wouldn't consider you able to pick apart any defense yet. In your house against us, you went 7-15 for 87 yards and a TD. Not exactly a stunning performance. And how about that 66.7 QB rating?
And how would McNair pick apart the Oilers' secondary, considering that he was the Oilers' last QB? That does not make sense.
Don't know why you're dissing us,
Texans' Secondary

[BIG ERN]

Dear Oiler and Texans Secondary,

We could pick you apart like no other. You guys are pathetic and you do not even deserve to be in MY leauge.Get ready for a long life of saying "Thank You Come Again!" . Oh and Texans Secondary, you have better step up this year with that monster D Line ( The Little Angels).Try and Make a couple of picks this year and D Rob don't throw Matt Schuab under the bus because he will rape you.Show some respect for yo QB !

Dissing you till the end,
Vince Young , Steve Mcnair, John Elway , Jim Kelly and Brett Fav-re

Dear Steve McNair, John Elway, Jim Kelly, Brett Favre,
In your primes you guys could pick apart anyone's secondary. We know that our safeties leave something to be desired, and we're not all that embarrassed about it; we just couldn't upgrade everything in one year.
Vince, we wouldn't consider you able to pick apart any defense yet. In your house against us, you went 7-15 for 87 yards and a TD. Not exactly a stunning performance. And how about that 66.7 QB rating?
And how would McNair pick apart the Oilers' secondary, considering that he was the Oilers' last QB? That does not make sense.
Don't know why you're dissing us,
Texans' Secondary



Texans Secondary,

You are worthless and weak!I did not want to call of Demeco Ryans but VY made him look like a hippie doing the moon dance.Leon Hall was not the answer so step up to the plate and throw down .

I am droing in a whiskey river,
Chris Mcallister

[Zagen30]

Dear Oiler and Texans Secondary,

We could pick you apart like no other. You guys are pathetic and you do not even deserve to be in MY leauge.Get ready for a long life of saying "Thank You Come Again!" . Oh and Texans Secondary, you have better step up this year with that monster D Line ( The Little Angels).Try and Make a couple of picks this year and D Rob don't throw Matt Schuab under the bus because he will rape you.Show some respect for yo QB !

Dissing you till the end,
Vince Young , Steve Mcnair, John Elway , Jim Kelly and Brett Fav-re

Dear Steve McNair, John Elway, Jim Kelly, Brett Favre,
In your primes you guys could pick apart anyone's secondary. We know that our safeties leave something to be desired, and we're not all that embarrassed about it; we just couldn't upgrade everything in one year.
Vince, we wouldn't consider you able to pick apart any defense yet. In your house against us, you went 7-15 for 87 yards and a TD. Not exactly a stunning performance. And how about that 66.7 QB rating?
And how would McNair pick apart the Oilers' secondary, considering that he was the Oilers' last QB? That does not make sense.
Don't know why you're dissing us,
Texans' Secondary



Texans Secondary,

You are worthless and weak!I did not want to call of Demeco Ryans but VY made him look like a hippie doing the moon dance.Leon Hall was not the answer so step up to the plate and throw down .

I am droing in a whiskey river,
Chris Mcallister



Dear Chris McAllister,
I can see that you're drunk off your face, considering that we didn't draft Leon Hall, but Amobi Okoye.
And shouldn't guys who play the same side of the ball support each other (except when their teams are playing, of course)?
And why are you here? Were you tipped off by some Buffalo fans, perchance?
Go take some Chasers,
Texans' secondary

[BIG ERN]

Texans Secondary,

I think I spend more time at home than you guys do at the workout facility.You guys need to get on the ball or get out of MY house. Ask Daddy Kubiak......How you like that Dunta?I will show you what a real quarterback can do. And on the plus side , praticing against a bunch of scubs( I AM TALKING TO YOU D.Rob and CC) makes me look stellar in front of Daddy Kubiak.[:P]

I LOVE THIS TOWN!!!

Making Tony Romo look like a scrub in 07,

Matt"Stump the" Schuab

[ObsiWan]

If you post, don't drink. And if you drink, don't post.
This was a public service announcement from your Texans Dept. of Posting Safety.

[BIG ERN]

If you post, don't drink. And if you drink, don't post.
This was a public service announcement from your Texans Dept. of Posting Safety.

Dear ObsiWan,

Grow a penis!

Love,
Modern Day NFL

[ObsiWan]

If you post, don't drink. And if you drink, don't post.
This was a public service announcement from your Texans Dept. of Posting Safety.

Dear ObsiWan,

Grow a penis!

Love,
Modern Day NFL

My goodness. What a intellectual and "high class" response. I suppose it never occurs to you that ladies sometimes visit these boards...?
And there's probably all kinds of Freudian meanings in the fact you signed it "Love" while making a penis reference.

[BIG ERN]

Dear ObsiWan,

I promise not to use any penis references when your mom is on my lap or on in these forums.

Much Love,
Andre Johnson

[ObsiWan]

Dear ObsiWan,

I promise not to use any penis references when your mom is on my lap or on in these forums.

Much Love,
Andre Johnson



That would make you a necrophiliac. My mother died several years ago.
And you should keep Andre Johnson out of your fantasies.
Like I said, Freud would have a field day with you.

[BIG ERN]

Dear ObsiWan,

Please stop wasting space.

Mother Earth

[ObsiWan]

Dear ObsiWan,

Please stop wasting space.

Mother Earth

Dear Mother Earth,
You're right. You taught us to be better than this and to evolve past silly insults. We're all Texans fans here. Back to football. It won't happen again.
...unless its a troll.
No more wasting space

[BIG ERN]

Dear Modern Day NFL,

You stole my thread ! Don't you know that's all i've got since Mel Kiper had me in his top ten! Noone will talk to me and you kill my thread.I will be shot callin' sooner rather than later.

Troy Williamson

[outofhnd]

Dear Modern Day NFL,

You stole my thread ! Don't you know that's all i've got since Mel Kiper had me in his top ten! Noone will talk to me and you kill my thread.I will be shot callin' sooner rather than later.

Troy Williamson


Dear Troy Williamson,
We did no such thing, just like many of the passes thrown your way, this thread slipped through your fingers. That is what you get for trusting Mel Kiper's analysis. Hopefully you can catch something other than a seat on the bench this year.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day NFL

[BIG ERN]

Dear Texans,

Me,Mcardel, and Dre would be unstoppable. You guys are retarded!I am going to go play with the Canadians!

Troy Williamson

[outofhnd]

Dear Texans,

Me,Mcardel, and Dre would be unstoppable. You guys are retarded!I am going to go play with the Canadians!

Troy Williamson

Dear Troy
Maybe for once in your life you will catch something, Pnuemonia..
Sincerely,
The Houston Texans

[BIG ERN]

Dear VY,

You guys should have drafted me! I've got a nasty streak and I will show Houston what a 6th rounder can do!


Kasey Studdard

[HydrOshocK]

Dear VY,
How's that curse thing working out for you so far? Personally I couldn't believe they put the QB of an 8-8 team on the Madden Cover this season but I guess everyone else turned it down because they knew better. And sorry to inform you but Pac Man won't be getting any "slack" from us. We're tired of criminals sending the wrong message to our children so he's likely never going to play in this league again. Sorry bout that.
Sincerely,
MDNFL
p.s. get some help with your interview skills son.